1 Step Forward, 1 Step Back

When we were discharged from the hospital, the Dr. said that since she stopped having blood in her diapers so quickly he didn't think she was really having a dairy/protein intolerance. He thought that it was just the diarrhea that was irritating her intestines and causing blood. (Then what was causing the diarrhea!) He said that I could go back to nursing her when we got home, and that I didn't even have to stop eating diary. (I haven't been eating dairy for a few weeks anyway, so I figured I would keep avoiding it just to be safe.)

I was happy to be able to nurse her again, and she picked right back up on it, but within 24 hours she was back to having mucousy, bloody diarrhea! I feel like my milk must be toxic! When Terry saw her diaper he looked at me and said quite simply "You're Done. (breastfeeding)" It is just so traumatic to see blood in my tiny baby's diaper! I called my pediatrician and he told me to put her back on the Nutramigen and to come and see him on Monday. In the mean time, her diarrhea has gone away, but she is still having some specks of blood, and I hate it. I hate changing her diapers!

I cried when I realized I had nursed her for the last time. I don't know why it feels like such a loss to me. I don't know why I feel so guilty for not being able to nurse her. . .

The other thing the Dr. said when we were discharged was that if she started breathing faster than about 60-65 respirations a minute that we needed to bring her back into the bronchiolitis clinic. At the time she was at about 55 respirations per minute, and I felt like we didn't have much room to work with. But we picked up this little gem
at Walmart. It is a battery powered nasal aspirator and it works 100x better than a bulb suction. (And she hardly even cries when I use it!) I am almost able to clear her airway as well as the respiratory therapist with the deep suction. (One of the best $20.00 I have ever spent!) I think it kept us out of the hospital that first night home. But the second day home she started having a hard time again. I threw a bag together thinking that we were going to be admitted to Primary Children's and headed off to the bronchiolitis clinic. The bad news was that she is still breathing really fast, but this time her oxygen saturation was okay. They suctioned her out and sent us home. I am so exhausted, I feel like we are constantly walking on egg shells. One step forward and then one step back.