My Best Psych Story...(yet.)

6:00 PM: There was a hole in the schedule for a Nurse Supervisor over the weekend. I was flattered when they asked me to fill it. I showed up eager to work, (and with no supervisor training) and was handed a shiny "master keychain" and the supervisor cell phone. The phone: I am supposed to answer no matter what was going on. The keys: Well, I only know what like 2 out of 12 of those are for. . .

11:00 PM: A few hours later, and things were going great! I thought I had picked up on my responsibilities rather quickly, and I even called Terry to tell him how much I was enjoying it. . . I forgot that it was a full moon. . . (I am not being superstitious! I have worked in psych long enough to know that a full moon is bad news!)

12:00 AM: All 40 patients are asleep, hooray! I am walking in between units and the fire alarm sounds! (Fire alarm is really and understatement. . . it sounded more like an air raid!!) I cover my ears and I catch a glimpse of my shiny keys and realize I am the one that is supposed to let EVERYONE know what to do, and I don't know what the H#%&# I am doing! I run to the elevator to get to the closest unit but the elevators have been deactivated! I run into the stairwell and practically run over one of our most difficult (adult) patients, and the tech that was chasing her. At first I think that they are evacuating, but then I see their faces and realize that something is wrong. She starts SCREAMING "They are trying to KILL ME! I have to get out of here!" She was completely out of her mind! She was the one that pulled the fire alarm (which unfortunately unlocks the doors!) The tech yells to me that he knows how to turn off the ear piercing alarm so I chuck the shiny keys at him and pursue the psychotic patient on my own as she runs out the front door and into the night.

12:05 AM: I follow her at a distance, trying to remember if I ever learned about the AWOL policy and what I should be legally, and morally doing. I call 911 to inform the police that there is an escaped psych patient running barefoot down the street, and then the Supervisor phone starts to ring off of the hook. 911 will not let me hang up until the cops arrive. . . Then the patient makes it to a residence and starts pounding on their front door screaming "Help!!! They are trying to kill me!!" The well meaning neighbors answer the door and let her inside their home thinking she is a damsel in distress! I pick up the pace and close in on her, and apparently it makes it look like I am the bad person she is running from. . . so they start shouting at me "What the heck is going on here?!"

Everything is happening at once! I am trying to explain that she is an escaped psych patient having a serious psychotic episode -- I am panting from sprinting in my fancy shoes -- 911 is still asking me questions -- the supervisor phone is ringing and ringing -- the hospital staff still doesn't know what is going on or what they should be doing -- the neighbor finally gets the idea and really wants the psych patient out of their house!

12:10 AM: Fortunately, the neighbor successfully ushers her out of his home, but unfortunately it makes her even more upset and she darts ACROSS a busy street without even looking!! I am talking 8 lanes of traffic here! No one in the hospital (besides the tech that is trying to turn off fire alarms) knows where I am--or what is going on. I am frantically worried about the other 39 patients and praying that they won't realize that they could all successfully run away right now. I am terrified that our few military patients with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder are going ballistic --thinking that there really is an air raid. . . As my patient makes it to the other side of the road she starts pounding on someone elses door, so I look both ways and sprint across the street in my all black attire. The male neighbor from the first home follows me across the street and ends up being my guardian angel as he helps me block her from running back across the street into traffic.

12:12 AM: The Police arrive -- 911 finally let's me hang up -- I am finally able to answer the Supervisor phone. The voice on the other line barks out in a panicked tone, "Stef, I think we lost a patient! We can't find her anywhere!"
I can't help but let out a manic burst of laughter. "Yeah! Yep, we did! I've been chasing her the whole time!"

The Officers were gracious, and provided some much needed comedic relief. They brought her back to our facility and waited a few minutes to make sure we could cope before they left. The Sargent winked at me as he left and said, "Would you mind letting us out, or should I pull the fire alarm and run?!"